Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
