I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
