how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
