Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
