He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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