capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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