Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
