At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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