You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
