No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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