She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Congratulations! We have a period
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