I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
