you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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