all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
