"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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