So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
