He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
