life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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