hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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