i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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