So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
