Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
