The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
