at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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