Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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