I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
