im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
