i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
