I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
