Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need moral support for this bender
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
