I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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