He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I enjoy the company of your penis
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
