I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
