all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
