you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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