Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
