I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
