Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
