You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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