I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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