i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
