call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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