In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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