I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
