I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
