I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
