hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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