Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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