I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
