remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
