I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
