my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
