I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
