Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
