I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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