if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
